Listen to this post: How to support a friend going through a tough time (what to say, what to do, what to avoid)
You notice it in the small things first. Their replies are shorter. Plans get cancelled with a flat “sorry, not up to it”. Their eyes look tired even when they try to joke. Nothing is dramatic, yet everything feels slightly off, like a song playing in the wrong key.
If you’re wondering how to support a friend going through a tough time, you don’t need perfect words. You need steady care. The kind that doesn’t vanish after one deep chat.
In January 2026, a lot of people are running on fumes. Burnout, money stress, work pressure, family strain, constant news, it all stacks up. Support works best when it’s ongoing and simple, not a one-off rescue mission.
Notice the signs, then reach out in a way that feels safe
You’re not trying to diagnose your friend. You’re noticing a change. Think of it like spotting smoke, you don’t need to know which wire sparked to take it seriously.
Common signs a friend may be struggling include:
- They pull back, go quiet, or stop replying for days.
- Their sleep sounds broken (up all night, can’t get up, always tired).
- They’re snappier than usual, or strangely numb.
- They miss work, class, or routines they normally keep.
- They drink more, use drugs more, or joke about “needing” it.
- They talk as if nothing will get better, or they feel pointless.
- They stop caring about things they usually love.
One sign alone might mean nothing. A cluster of changes, lasting more than a week or two, is worth a gentle check-in.
If you want extra guidance from a trusted UK charity, Mind’s page on helping someone with a mental health problem is practical and kind, without turning everything into labels.
What to say in your first message or call
Your first reach-out sets the tone. Keep it warm, plain, and low-pressure. You’re offering a hand, not demanding an explanation.
Here are ready-to-use lines that sound natural.
For a close mate (text):
“Hey, you’ve been on my mind. You don’t seem yourself. Want to talk, or just have company?”
For a work friend:
“I’ve noticed you’ve seemed a bit stretched lately. No need to explain, I just wanted to check you’re alright.”
For long-distance:
“Fancy a quick call this week? Even 10 minutes. I miss you, and I want to hear your voice.”
If they hate heavy chats:
“Want to go for a walk and chat about nothing in particular? Fresh air might help.”
If you’re worried but don’t want to alarm them:
“I’m not here to pry. I just care about you, and I’ve got time if you want it.”
Small detail, big impact: give choices. Talk, walk, sit, send memes, voice note, silence. Choice makes it feel safer.
If they shut down, cancel plans, or say “I’m fine”
“I’m fine” often means “I can’t do this right now”, not “leave me forever”. Don’t punish the honesty they can manage.
Try a steady response:
- “Okay, I hear you. I’m here anyway.”
- “No pressure. I’ll check in tomorrow.”
- “Do you want a chat, or do you want me to just keep you company?”
A simple follow-up plan helps you avoid either hovering or disappearing.
A calm plan you can stick to:
- Send one message tomorrow (short, no guilt).
- Offer one practical thing (tiny, specific).
- If they don’t reply, leave the door open: “No need to respond. I’m around.”
Respect boundaries, but don’t interpret silence as rejection. People in a dark patch often can’t find the energy to be “easy to support”.
Be the calm place: listen well without trying to fix everything
Photo by Karola G
When someone’s hurting, advice can land like noise. They might already have 20 voices in their head telling them what they “should” do. Your job is to be the calm room where they can finally breathe.
Support is not the same as problem-solving. Support sounds like: “I’m with you.” Fixing sounds like: “Here’s what you must do.” Fixing can wait. Being with them can’t.
This is also where you quietly watch your own habits. Do you rush to fill silence? Do you tell a story about yourself? Do you try to cheer them up fast because their pain makes you uncomfortable? Most of us do, at first.
Listening well is a skill. You can learn it.
How to listen so they feel heard
Try this simple pattern. It keeps you present and stops you from turning the chat into a debate.
1) Ask one gentle question
“What’s been the hardest part of this week?”
“What do nights feel like for you lately?”
“Do you want advice, or do you want me to just listen?”
2) Reflect back what you heard
“So it’s not just work, it’s the way you feel trapped.”
“It sounds like you’re carrying a lot on your own.”
3) Pause (don’t rush to fill the space)
Silence can be a soft landing. Let it happen.
4) Validate the feeling (not every detail)
“That sounds heavy.”
“I can see why you feel worn out.”
“Anyone would struggle with that.”
Two practical tips that change everything:
- Put your phone away if you can. Your eyes say “you matter” more than your words do.
- Keep your voice slower than usual. Calm is contagious.
For more UK-based guidance on supportive conversations, the Mental Health Foundation’s page on supporting someone with their mental health is a useful reference.
What not to say (even if you mean well)
Some phrases sound positive, but they shrink your friend’s experience. They can make someone feel childish, dramatic, or burdensome, even if that’s the last thing you intend.
Here are common lines that tend to hurt, and better swaps that keep dignity and choice.
| Instead of… | Try… |
|---|---|
| “At least…” | “That sounds really hard.” |
| “Just think positive.” | “I’m here with you, even when it’s messy.” |
| “Others have it worse.” | “Your pain counts. You don’t have to compare it.” |
| “You need to snap out of it.” | “I can see you’re struggling. Let’s take it one step at a time.” |
| “Have you tried…?” | “Would it help to talk through options, or not today?” |
A helpful rule: don’t use your friend’s pain as a springboard for motivation. Use it as a moment for closeness.
Offer real help they can accept, and keep showing up over time
Big offers can feel impossible to take. “Call me anytime” is kind, but it’s also vague. When someone feels low, vague feels heavy. It forces them to decide, plan, and ask.
Instead, make your support small, clear, and repeatable. In 2026, with so many people stretched, the most loving thing is often the simplest: turn care into a few doable actions you can actually keep doing.
Practical support that reduces their load this week
Think of your friend like someone carrying a backpack full of stones. You’re not removing every stone. You’re taking out two so they can stand up straight.
Try offers like these:
Food help:
“I’m making pasta tonight. Want me to drop a portion at yours at 7?”
Shopping:
“I’m popping to the shop. Text me 5 things you need and I’ll grab them.”
Admin support:
“Do you want me to sit with you while you make one phone call? We can do it in 10 minutes.”
Tidy one corner:
“I can come round for 20 minutes and help tidy the kitchen side. Just one bit.”
Move your body gently:
“Fancy a slow walk? No chat needed. We can just loop the block.”
Getting to an appointment:
“I can drive you Tuesday or Thursday. Which works, or neither?”
That last part matters. Give two options and a “neither”. It makes saying yes easier, and saying no safer.
Ongoing check-ins without becoming their therapist
You can be a good friend without taking responsibility for their recovery. The line is simple: you offer connection, not treatment.
A steady check-in rhythm can look like this:
- Every few days: a short “thinking of you” message.
- Once a week: a coffee, a walk, a quick phone call.
- One week only: a nightly text like “home safe?” or “how was today, 1 to 10?”
Low-pressure contact counts too. A funny clip, a shared playlist, a photo of something you know they’d like. It says, “I’m still here”, without forcing a deep talk.
Two ground rules keep it healthy:
- Keep your promises. If you say you’ll call on Thursday, call on Thursday.
- Be honest about your limits. “I’m in meetings today, but I can talk tonight.” Reliability beats intensity.
If you’re supporting someone for the long haul, you also need support. Mind has a solid page on coping while caring for someone that focuses on your wellbeing too.
Know when it is bigger than friendship: guide them to support and handle crises
Friendship can be a lifeline, but it can’t replace care from trained professionals. That’s not a failure. That’s reality.
In the UK, services are stretched and waits can be long, but early help still matters. Getting on a waiting list, booking a GP appointment, or speaking to a helpline can stop a rough patch turning into a cliff edge.
When to suggest professional help, and how to bring it up
Consider suggesting extra support if you notice any of these:
- It’s been going on for weeks, with no sign of easing.
- They can’t work, study, eat, or sleep in a steady way.
- Panic attacks are frequent, or they feel constantly on edge.
- Drinking or drug use is rising, or they can’t cut back.
- Self-harm is mentioned, hinted at, or visible.
- They talk about hopelessness, disappearing, or being a burden.
Bringing it up can feel awkward, so keep it simple and caring.
Try scripts like:
- “I care about you too much to carry this alone. Could we look at getting you some extra support?”
- “You don’t have to feel like this by yourself. Would you consider talking to your GP?”
- “If it helps, I can sit with you while you fill the form or make the call.”
Options you can mention (without overwhelming them):
- GP appointment
- NHS talking therapies (often accessed through GP or local self-referral)
- Workplace support (EAP, occupational health)
- Local counselling services
- Charities and helplines
Mind’s guide on how to help someone else seek support gives practical steps for that first move, including how to talk about it without sounding pushy.
If you think they are at risk right now
If you think your friend might harm themselves, or they talk about not wanting to be alive, it’s time to act. Calmly. Clearly. With them, not at them.
A simple crisis plan:
- Stay with them (in person if possible, or stay on the phone).
- Ask directly: “Are you thinking about hurting yourself?”
This doesn’t plant the idea, it opens the door to honesty. - If it’s safe, reduce immediate risk (for example, move sharp objects or pills out of reach).
- Involve another trusted person so you’re not alone.
- Get urgent help.
UK contacts you can use:
- Samaritans: call 116 123 (free, 24/7)
- NHS 111: call 111 for urgent advice and help
- Emergency: call 999 if someone is in immediate danger, or go to A&E
- Shout: text SHOUT to 85258 (free, 24/7 crisis text support)
If your friend struggles to open up, Mind also explains why talking is hard in their guide on talking about mental health with friends and family. It can help you hold the silence without taking it personally.
Conclusion
When a friend’s going through it, support often looks like small lights left on in the hallway, not a perfect speech in the dark. Reach out, listen without rushing to fix, offer one practical thing, keep checking in, and guide them to more help when it’s needed. Most of all, be steady. Pick one action today: send one message, set one reminder, or make one specific offer they can actually accept.
